2much.

i am freaking out. please don't be mad at me for something, please don't stop talking to me. i'm in way too deep with you, and i hate it.

i'm fucking nuts.
i hate myself.

sometimes

i wonder if it'd be easier to just tell you i love you so you can just take it or leave it and this process of wondering how much it will hurt will be over with.

too bad i am who i am.

FUCK.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

this is the worst fucking day of my entire life.

gray.

almost every day i just want to tell you how i really feel about you. how you're the only person i think about in that way anymore, how i'd constantly love to nap with you in any location. how your curly hair is my absolute favourite and i love the way you laugh, how you make me happy no matter what. how cute your smile is, and how i don't care what anyone else has to say about you because in my heart you're someone who's shown me a crazy, dizzy side of life i've missed so much. i am absolutely in love with you, boy, and you're so oblivious to it. and i just admitted it to myself. i love you. i'm in love with you, in the simpliest sense. and it's not anything big, just something i'm coming to terms with, something i can't tell you. not now, anyway. and maybe not ever, who knows with us. you could love me too, but you could easily hate me. this is something that scares me more than anything, and i don't have a person to tell. because i already get the looks, the sighs of annoyance. i get it, no one wants to hear me talk about it anymore, so i'll just talk about it to myself.

i love you, i love you, i love you.

the only thing i can honestly say i dislike about you is how you don't feel this strongly about me. i know you don't, because if you did, you wouldn't talk about other girls to me. and no, silly, i don't mean her. i don't mind you talking about her, she was a big part of your life. but i mean the other girls you "fool around" with. that hurts, but i won't let you know that. i won't let you know how absolutely weak you make me. oh gosh, i sound so dumb right now. maybe it's the lack of sleep that's doing all of this talking, or maybe it's my heart! finally shouting at the top of its lungs after so long of being quiet. shouting to no one, but being so happy to just finally get it off its chest (haha). this is a feeling i miss, the tingles, the goosebumps, all of it.

thank you for coming back into my life when you did. stay here for as long as you please (and even longer!).

ergh.

you are so annoying. black jokes aren't funny anymore. gay jokes aren't funny anymore (especially since i fucked a guy). and i don't care what you say, people don't think they're funny either. whenever you direct a joke at someone, no matter what they do, it's embarrassing. somewhere inside, it's embarrassing. i hate how you act too old. like... you try way too hard to be mature.

"are you okay?
"well, i have to be."

no! no you don't have to be in your situation. you're allowed to be upset. it's so... ugh. you're not who i thought you were. you're just a little kid, honestly. open your eyes and stop trying so hard.

by the way, everyone's photography is good. just because a few people like your photos doesn't mean you can judge everyone else so harshly.

<>-+-<>

i love you a lot. you really are a good friend, and i don't appreciate you enough. this year, though. i'm going to show you that i can be as good of a friend as you are to me. 'cause i think you deserve that and you appreciate me. i mean, i'm sure my other friends do, but you make it obvious.

this is the year!

oh blow.

i honestly am having a hard time dealing with you these days. you make me feel bad, a lot of the time. but i really don't want to fight with you, because it's such a waste of breath. best friends don't do this to each other. you call me insensitive?

goodness girl, listen to yourself.